The Mind of McCain

If something happens to me, this little lady can take over. But I'm only 72. I'm tough and I'm strong. I was a P. O. W. for God's sake. And Obama:Columbia, Harvard Law, taught Law School. Big deal. Sara went to college. Got a Bachelor's in Journalism from Idaho. Was Mayor of her city – 9000 people, and Alaska's Governor for almost 2 years. She supports Stevens and she fired that guy Manegan cause he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband. She's loyal and she understands power. That's all I ask. That's what I need.

And hey, she'd look even better than Cindy as Miss Buffalo Chip!

Sarah Palin: Another Historic Second From The GOP

Dayton, Ohio. August 29, 2008. You got to hand it to the GOP: Another historic second from the Republican Party. Only 24 years after the Democrats nominated Geraldine Ferraro for Vice President, and after seeing what Hillary Clinton means to people who believe in equal pay for equal work, reproductive rights, blue collar and green collar workers, and education, the Republicans have nominated Sarah Palin, who doesn't "believe" in equal pay for equal work, reproductive rights, education, or even "science" for Vice President and, as the Republicans put it, "Vice Commander in Chief."

But she entered a beauty contest. Who did he consult? Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione, and Larry Flynt?

And at 44 she is one of the youngest candidates for vice President ever. And at 72 John McCain is one of the oldest. Is there an age problem? Let's think about this. She's 44. He's 72. 44 plus 72 is 116, 116 divided by two is 58. The average age on the Republican ticket is 58. There's no age problem.

A few weeks ago McCain criticized Obama's popularity, comparing him to Paris Hilton and Brittney Spears. Then Rick and Cathy Hilton - Paris' parents - criticized him, and Paris herself weighed in on Energy Policy. Paris is no Al Gore, but I wish she was a friend of mine. McCain actually nominated a beauty pagent contestant for Vice President. Have they been watching "Legally Blonde"?

The Democrats say Palin has no international experience. But she's from Alaska. That's practically a foreign country. I don't know what they're talking about.

Questions for Sarah Palin

1. Are you related to Michael Palin, of Monty Python's Flying Circus?
2. As a former Beauty Queen - Did you win the "Constitutional Law Competition," the "Bathing Suit Competition," or the "Talent Competition"?
3. As the Governor of an Oil Producing State, have you ever wanted to join OPEC?
4. As the Governor of an Oil Producing State, how do you feel about Solar Energy and Wind Power?
5. Did Condi Rice threaten to "Scratch Your Eyes Out" because she wasn't picked? And if so, what are you prepared to do about it?

Drilling for Solar Power and Mining the Winds

I've been thinking about George Lakoff's ideas on framing the debate, as presented in "Don't Think of an Elephant" and I think about solar power and wind power more than I think about food.

I just heard that there was a big fight in Minneapolis over drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, ANWR. The rank and file and the "machers" of the Republican Party, the people I call "Republicanista," want to drill in ANWR. Their presumptive standard bearer, John McCain, wants more offshore drilling. He wants to drill in Alaska, and in California, Florida, New Jersey, and everwhere else. McCain, however, is opposed to drilling in ANWR "at this time." (Be very careful when a politician says "At this time." This phrase, "At this time" when used during a political campaign, means "At this time during a political campaign.")

I think we should be building more solar and wind power systems, we should be using ocean current, cogen, and conservation, and figuring out how to do "Deep Geothermal." And most of the people I talk to, regardless of whether they are "conservative," "progressive," or "liberal," as long as they are "intelligent," agree that solar and wind power are available now, and are pretty good for the environment, the economy, and national security. Even John McCain. But not the movers and shakers of the Republican party.

McCain want 20% of our electricity to come from clean renewable sources by 2030. Barack Obama has a more aggressive goal: 25% by 2025. Al Gore makes Obama look conservative. He thinks we can do 100% in 10 years, sees the US "Clean and Green by 2018."

I agree with Gore.

And I have figured out how to get McCain and the "Republicanista" on my side. We should just call it "Drilling." "Drilling for solar power!" After all, the roofers, mechanics, and electricians use drills when assembling solar energy systems and wind turbines. Who says you have to drill down? Why not drill up? Google "mines" the Internet. We could be Mining the Winds.

This Week’s Nero's Fiddle Award goes to - Condoleezza Rice.

New York, August 26, 2008. The coveted Nero's Fiddle Award this week goes to Condi "Missed Opportunity" Rice for her tireless incompetence as 43's National Security Advisor and Secretary of State.

Rice laid the foundation for this award 7 years ago, in June, July, and August, 2001, by ignoring Richard Clarke on Osama bin Laden and Al Queda, and with he deafening silence in the rubble of the World Trade Center.

Last week she chastized Putin and Medvyedev "you can't just invade another country" she said. "Do you think this is 1968?" she asked, referring to the Russian invasion of Chechoslovakia, or, perhaps, to the War in Viet Nam.

The Nero's Fiddle Award Committee sent me to ‘Virtual Moscow’ for an imaginary interview with Vladimir Putin and his puppet Medvyedev. (We don't have money for air fare and I'm not about to go to Russia.) Here's the transcript of my virtual interview: "Condoleezza Rice said you must get out of Georia. She said 'you can't just invade another country.' How do you answer?"

"Vy not?" Putin said, when he stopped laughing. "You did. Ven you get out of Afganistan, vich you lost ven you vent into Iraq, which, by the vay, your own Alan Greenspan said vas a vor for oil, ven you get out of Iraq, ven you get your missiles out of Poland, ven you close your prision and get out of Cuba, den ve might listen to you. Until then, you are a lame duck, your eagle has a broken wing, and the bear is growing stronger."

Medvyedev smiled, looked at a map, turned to Putin, and said "Da. Let's figure out where we go next. Vat do you think of Armenia? Azerbijan?"

That was last week. Rice, dimly realizing that Putin had a royal straight flush, Medvyedev had four aces, and she and Georgie were holding a pair of duces, a three, a five, and a seven, and they didn't have time to stack the deck, quickly turned her attention to that old standby, the Arab-Israeli conflict. She acknowledged that Bush's dream of a Palestinian state might not be realized by the end of his term. "Where were you," I'd like to ask, for the last seven and a half years. Clinton was wrong about Arafat, he was not genuinely interested in peace. But Dr. Rice, where have you been? Don't you think that you might have accomplished something if you started working on it 8 years ago?"

She looked at me with her big brown eyes, smiled her 37.2 watt smile, gave me that deer in the headlight stare the Bushes made famous, and said "you read the papers, you know where we've been, Afganistan, Iraq, failing up."

"Right," I said, "we've had Bin Laden on the run for 7 years. We've been liberating Iraq from Saddam, we've been protecting America from Saddam's non-existant weapons of mass destruction, and bringing Al Queda to Iraq to break the links between Iraq and Al Queda. Heck of a job, Condi."

"You write well," she smiled again, like the Xenia Onatopp, Famke Janssen’s character in Goilden Eye, "but you think too much," Rice said to me. "You should go to Cuba to investigate conditions in Guantanamo Bay. And stay there."

"Thanks but no thanks, Condi," I said. "I'm not a real journalist. I'll leave Guantanamo to the people who write for Fox News, Weekend Update, the Daily Show, and the Colbert Report. They’re not really journalists either, but they have expense accounts."

What should we do about Russia?

• Ignore them, they will just go away.
• Urge Europe to buy natural gas from Russia, with more money the Russians will be nice.
• Install more "Defensive Missiles" in Ukraine, Finland, Turkey, Kazakstan to tell the Ruskies we mean business.
• Buy land in Siberia, where we will go sunbathing when the Jersey shore is under water.
• Pray

Copyright, C, 2008. L. J. Furman, All Rights Reserved. This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to the facts is purely tragic.

Today's Nero's Fiddle Award Goes To: The DemoPunks

August 13, An Undisclosed Location. Do you agree with Florida Democrat Robert Wexler and Ohio Democrat Dennis Kucinich that Bush and Cheney should be impeached? Do you feel that the war in Iraq was conducted with the incompetence that rivals FEMA in New Orleans? Or that it was a mistake? Do you feel that rather than enhance our national security, the war - 4,000 dead, 19,000 wounded, and $1 Trillion spent, has strengthened Iran and weakened the United States? Do you feel that the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, should be an effective emergency response force, or an agency of incompetence and a gold mine of patronage? Do you believe that the Department of Justice should focus on race, religion, party and politics when hiring and firing staff and investigating and prosecuting corruption? Do you work? Do you need health care? Do you want your children to be able to get an education, then find rewarding work? Do you believe in "government of the people, by the people, and for the people?" The “DemoPunks” don't.

Do you see in Senator Barack Obama the 21st Century's answer to FDR? That's exactly NOT what these "DemoPunks" see. The "DemoPunks," like the "Republicanista" they love, like Presidents Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, and Bush, feel "government is best which is most indifferent.". And that's why the "DemoPunks;" Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Senator Daniel Inouye, and Rep. Kendrick Meek are in the running for the coveted "Nero's Fiddle."

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a South Florida Democrat, co-chairs the DCCC Red to Blue program - her mission: elect more Democrats to the House. But she refuses to accept her mission, she refuses to campaign against South Florida Republicans. In fact, she repeatedly spouts lavish praise for Republicanista Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen instead of supporting Annette Taddeo. DFA endorsed Taddeo, the Demicratic Party endorsed Taddeo, so Rep Debbie, what are you waiting for? A special invitation? Send me a stamped self-addressed envelope, enclose a check for $2,300 for Annette Taddeo and I'll send you a special invitation. Do your job and I'll send you an invitation. And answer one question, Debbie: whose side are you on? Really.

Democratic Senator Daniel Inouye from Hawaii actively campaigns for his longtime buddy, the indicted Republican Senator, Ted Stevens. While we're glad to see Inouye has feelings, we think his feelings for this country and the citizens should outweigh his feelings for indicted Senators. We feel that if Inouye campaigns for anyone in Alaska, he should campaign for Democrat Mark Begich. DFA endorsed Begich. The Democratic Party endorsed Begich. We would, of course, be proud to see Inouye visit "Uncle Ted" in the "Big House" if he's convicted and sentenced. (Course, if convicted, Stevens is likely to join Abramoff on the short list to be pardoned.)

So, "Senator Dano," would you like to re-join the Democratic Party? Do you want a special invitation? Send a stamped a stamped self-addressed envelope, with $2,300 for Mark Begich, and I'll send you a special invitation. But answer one question, Dano, whose side are you on?

Then there's Rep. Kendrick Meek. He also represents a safe Democratic district in South Florida - but is he out there stumping for Democrat Joe Garcia? No, he's holding campaign events with Republican extremist Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart. So, Kendrick, want your special invitation to re-join the Democrats? Send me a stamped a stamped self-addressed envelope, with $2,300 for Joe Garcia, and I'll send you an invitation. But answer one question "Bubba:" whose side are you on?

There you have it. The "Nero's Fiddle" Award today is a four-way tie. It goes to these DemoPunks, and to the biggest DemoPunk of them all, the man who put the donkey in "Republicanista", he's never far from John "W" McCain, none other than Senator Joe "Horse's Rump" Lieberman.

And to paraphrase "Dirty Harry" Callahan, "Are ya feeling lucky, punk?"

McCain, A Maverick in Marriage

I wouldn't say McCain "cheated" on his first wife, Carol. His then girl-friend and current second wife Cindy had the same first initial, "C" and the same hair color, blond, and Cindy had $100,000,000. Besides, while Cindy was about 20 when McCain was about 40, Cindy was the same age as Carol when McCain married her; he just wanted to recapture his youth. McCain doesn't call it cheating, he calls it playing by his own rules.

McCain's a maverick in the GOP and McCain is a maverick in marriage.

Bin Laden and the Driver

August 6, 2008. It was 7 years ago that the President was handed a memo titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in the U. S." And Six Years, 11 Months, and 5 Days ago, on September 11, 2001, he struck.

Bin Laden is still at large - but we got his driver - sentenced to 5 and a half years. The Taliban, which gave bin Laden his base of operations, is growing stronger. After going after bin Laden for a while, cornered bin Laden in Tora Bora, paid some Taliban fighters to 'take him out' and they took him out, to lunch, to a nice little bistro not far from the fighting.

We shifted the "War on Terror" to Iraq. In Iraq we have 4,000 dead, and 19,000 serious injuries - lost arms, legs. I don't know how many dead or wounded Iraquis. We now know the justifications for the war in Iraq were fake - there were no weapons of mass destruction, there was no chemical weapons program, no nuclear weapons program. There was no link between Saddam and bin Laden - Saddam killed people like bin Laden. Bin Laden hates secular Arabs like Saddam almost as much as he hates Americans.

In addition to the dead and wounded, we have squandered hundreds of Billions of dollars, maybe over $One Trillion. The political cost is greater. America's good name has been dragged thru the mud. Our national security has been compromised. Thanks to us, Iran is stronger militarily, politically, and economically. Iran is stronger militarily because Iraq, their 5,000 year rival, has been thrown into chaos. Iran is stronger politically, as they are now able to foster more chaos in Iraq, in Lebanon and in Gaza with Syria, Hamas and Hezbollah. And Iran is stronger economically as oil is sky high.

John "W" McCain vowed that we'll be in Iraq for the next 100 years, as long as it takes - and bin Laden will surely by dead by 2108!

And we got bin Laden's driver. Bin Laden won't be going anywhere. Now if we can only get the producer, camera man and sound crew, we'll be able to silence bin Laden once and for all.

The Monica Effect

Dateline August 8. The Ivory Towers of Academia. "Those who don't learn from history," it is said, "are doomed to repeat it." The tendency of history to repeat itself is well known, but not well understood. Considering the roles played by women named Monica in the Administrations of current and recent U. S. Presidents, specifically, the role that Monica Goodling played in the Bush Administration, the Justice Department, and the United States of America, and the role Monica Lewinsky played in the Clinton Administration, the White House, and the good ole USA, I have prepared a scorecard that compares the two Monicas; Goodling and Lewinsky. Dubbed "The Monica Effect," this phenomena, while perhaps trivial and admittedly hard to swallow, must be studied.

Monica Lewinsky: willing to do anything, Anything! for The President.
Monica Goodling: willing to do anything, Anything! for The President.

Monica Lewinsky: Bimbo, certified in many bars, worshipped The President. Still does.
Monica Goodling: Attorney, admitted to The Bar, worshipped The President. Still does.

Monica Lewinsky: Didn't know anything about the Constitution. Didn't need to.
Monica Goodling: Didn't know anything about the Constitution. Didn't want to. Altho she was an attorney.

Monica Lewinsky: wore a blue dress for a private meeting with the President in the White House.
Monica Goodling: wore a white dress for dinner with Karl Rove and a blue suit for public testimony with Congress in The House.

Monica Lewinsky: was there when The President violated his sacred vows of marriage.
Monica Goodling: was there when The President violated his sacred oath of office.

Monica Lewinsky: dismissed by The President before he got caught.
Monica Goodling: dismissed by The President after she got caught.

Monica Lewinsky: broke no law but violated the rules of decorum and good taste.
Monica Goodling: broke the law and violated the Constitution of United States.

Monica Lewinsky: stimulated the President's breaking the law by committing perjury.
Monica Goodling: allowed the President's appearing to obey the law by preserving his deniability.

Monica Lewinsky: not pardoned by The President because she committed no crimes.
Monica Goodling: in line to be pardoned by The President because she "may" have committed crimes.

Monica Lewinsky: helped George W. Bush get elected as he boasted of integrity during his campaign, and as Al Gore distanced himself from the President.

Monica Goodling: may help Barack Obama get elected as he campaigns on "Change We Can Believe In" and as McCain distances himself from the President.


* This is a work of satire. Obama is a Professor of Constitutional Law who has demonstrated organizational skills, management expertise, and good judgment. McCain is a career politician who claims to be an independent minded "maverick" but who has voted with the Administration 97% of the time. Who would make a better President? From whom would you buy a used car?