On the eve of the Republican National Convention I interviewed Willard Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican candidate for President. It was a "Thought Interview," which did not take place in reality. However, given that so much does not take place in reality, particularly on the campaign trail, it seems reasonable to conduct interviews that do not take place in reality.
"Mr. Romney," I began, "Your father George Romney, released 10 years of his tax returns, and in fact began the tradition of candidates for President disclosing their income and tax returns. He paid at a rate of about 35%. You released one year of tax returns and suggested that you pay taxes at a rate of about 13% - much less than the 35% rate paid by your father, and also much less than the rate paid by most American taxpayers. So my first question, sir, is will you release tax returns from other years?"
Romney leaned back, took a sip of orange juice, and said, well no, releasing his tax returns didn't help my father become President, why do you think it will help me?
"But the people expect it," I said.
"Well, the people expect lots of things," Mr. Romney replied. "Things like good job. unemployment compensation, health care, being able to retire. That's part of the entitlement society that we have to change. Americans need to take care of themselves."
"Why then does your budget plan award oil companies $2.3 billion in subsidies?" I asked. http://thinkprogress.org/climate/2012/08/23/734721/big-oil-buys-gusher-5-pro-oil-planks-in-romney-energy-plan/?mobile=nc
"We need to support industries we believe in, to help them get off the ground," he said.
"But oil companies are 'off the ground.'" I said, "And a lot of Americans support solar, wind, geothermal, marine hydro and efficiency - the so called 'nega-fuel-watts' of sustainable energy and the 'nega-watts' of efficiency. The cheapest unit of energy," I said, quoting Amory Lovins of the Rocky Mountain Institute," is the one you don't have to buy."
"Well, yes, but Cheney, Boone Pickens and the Koch Brothers don't support that. They can't charge people for sunlight or energy they don't buy. Get a grip man." he added, almost emphatically.
Moving on, I said, “Rep. Todd Akin recently said 'in the case of legitimate rape, women don't get pregnant, they have a way of shutting that whole thing down.' Do you believe that Mr. Akin's lack of understanding with regards to human biology should disqualify him in the eyes of the voters?”
“I have no comment,” Mr. Romney said.
“Rep. Akin co-sponsored with Paul Ryan – your running mate – several bills which sought to render abortion illegal. Would you push to overturn 'Roe v Wade' and make abortion illegal?”
“I have no comment,” Mr. Romney said, “other than to say that abortion is the law of the land and our platform would seek to overturn it.”
“Really?” I said.
He looked around. “Are we on camera?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
“No, Not really.” He said. “Abortion is a great issue for us. Those people get so riled up about it. They vote for us. We could say, 'Give us your houses, your cars, your money, because we're against abortion,' in fact we do, and they do. It's like gun control. Of course we should keep guns out of the hands of nuts. But a few isolated incidents keeps people afraid. And when they're afraid, they vote Republican. It's also why we are gutting education. We don't want educated citizens who can think. We don't need them in our factories; they just cause trouble.”
“Turning to foreign policy,” I said, “President Obama ordered the mission in which Osama bin Laden was killed, in Pakistan. The Navy Seals who carried out the mission also brought back a treasure trove of actionable intelligence against Al Queda. He also ordered the successful drone attack on Al Awlaki. Doesn't that prove that the best way to fight terrorism is with intelligence and commandos or drones? and call into question the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?”
“I have no comment,” Mr. Romney replied.
“Regarding Iran,” I began, “You are on record for suggesting that 'All options are on the table.' How is this different from President Obama?”
“I am different than President Obama. Therefore it's different.”
He then asked me what time it is. I looked at my watch, told him.
“Well,” he said, “That's all the time we have. But I'd like your watch. May I see it?"
"Sure," I said, and handed him the watch. He put it on.
"You can never have enough watches,” he said.
I looked at the two secret service agents, and Paul Ryan, in boxing gloves.
“Thanks,” he said. “You realize that you're in trouble if I'm elected.”
“Yes, sir,” I said. “So are we all.”
– Copyright, ©, 2012. XB Cold Fingers. All Rights Reserved. Please note - this is a work of satire. At least, not in this universe. It might have happened in a parallel universe.
