New Church of the New America
1. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that George W. Bush is anointed by the Almighty.
2. I believe with True and Abiding Faith in Personal Responsibility. We are personally responsible for our lives, God is personally responsible for George W and George W is personally responsible for all of us, especially women, who should be barefoot, pregnant, and subservient, but not Liberals, Atheists, non-believers, and Catholics who vote for pro-choice politicians.
3. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that it is a true Crusade and appropriate for my neighbor’s son or daughter to go to Iraq to die chasing “Saddam the Anti-Bush” or bringing democracy to the Iraqis or hunting down weapons of mass destruction, or for whatever justification ‘W’ happens to come up with today, after all, Saddam is a very bad man and W has been anointed by the Almighty.
4. I believe with True and Abiding Faith in the separation of church and state in Iraq and Afganistan but not in America because we’re right.
5. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that “scientific” inquiry must be guided by faith not reason.
6. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that the wealthiest have a Divine Right to pay no taxes.
7. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that our nation’s dealings with other nations must be guided by preconceived beliefs, that the facts are irrelevant and if they are not with us they are against us.
8. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that foreign and domestic policy should be defined by wealthy individuals behind closed doors who finance political campaigns and manage large corporations, after all, if the Almighty didn’t approve of what they were doing then they wouldn’t be successful, but they are successful so they know what’s best for all of us.
9. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that a fetus is more important than it’s mother, so even when a pregnant woman’s life is jeopardized by her pregnancy, abortion must ought not be an option. If the Almighty wants the woman to die then she must have sinned, like by getting raped. If the Almighty wants the woman to live He will intervene, just like in those trials by fire 500 years ago.
10. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that I have a Natural Right to arm myself with the biggest, baddest automatic and semi-automatic weapons available for sport shooting.
11. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that the Almighty makes all men in His own image. Except homosexuals.
12. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that the market has the solution to everything, from educating our children to curing disease to defending our borders. That the government should do nothing, and be limited to a President appointed by God or the Supreme Court, and a Supreme Court appointed by the God or The President, and a military contracted out to The President’s friends.
13. I believe with True and Abiding Faith that an education and an ability to think is not important, necessary, or even useful. The important thing is to pray and to believe.
14. I believe with True and Abiding Faith in George W, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Now where can I buy the toll plaza for the Brooklyn Bridge?
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