Swimming with President Bush
I dreamed that I was a computer programmer, and my desk in a data center turned into a bar stool on a cruise ship. We were attacked by pirates flying a flag with a giant E outlined in red, green and blue and balanced, precariously, on a corner. We were torpedoed by insider training, campaign contributions, and fraud.
As we sank, my stock options floated away and dissolved. I used my cash as a life preserver and watched my colleagues sink and drown, one by one.
As I paddled around waiting to be rescued, I saw sharks on the horizon. And I heard the sounds of a ship – a big ship – approach. It was George W. Bush, on an aircraft carrier.
But instead of stopping to pick me up, he waved, and, sailed away, focusing, thru a gun sight, on a picture of Saddam Houssein. Then he looked back at me, and squinting, asked, "How’s the water?"
"It’s cold," I said, "I’m drowning."
"That’s nice," he replied, "Well, you sure look like you're having fun swimmin’ and all. Why don’t you come out of the water and have a Burger with Freedom Fries."
"I’d love to, and I am hungry," I answered, "but I can’t come out of the water – I’m drowning."
"Really," he said, sounding sincere, "That’s great! Next time you’all are in Texas, you should come down ta the ranch. Can I count on yer vote next year?”
Just then John McCain, Olympia Snowe and George Voinovich came to the deck. “Help,” I shouted. “I’m drowning.”
“We can’t” they yelled. “The Captain will have us in irons for mutiny.”
"Mr. President," I yelled, "I’m drowning."
"Drowning? Well, I’d like ta help ya, bein’ a compassionate conservative and all, but you look like a tough and resolute New Yorker, and a liberal on top of that, I’m sure you’ll make it, besides, I’m just got done liberatin' Iraq. Who's better than me?"
Then Mr. Cheney stepped up to the railing. "Ahoy there citizen. You're all wet. How'd ya' like a raincoat or an umbrella? Ma' new factory in China will be punchin' out raincoats and umbrellas in about 3 years, as soon as our changes to the tax laws kick in t’ spur investment. Course it ain’t my factory, it’s in a ‘blind’ trust." He said, and he winked.
"Well," I said, "That’s great. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold out that long. It’s been about 2 years already. Do you have any rope?"
"Rope?" he said. "Hmm. Let me see. Well, now, we used a whole lot of rope in tieing up Saddam Houssein, freein' them Eye-Rackis from that there no-good tyrant, but my other new factory in China will be punching out rope real soon now, in about 3 years. How much will you want then? We're takin' orders now on rope and rope futures. The futures options are real cheap, altho they might become worthless. However, if they become worthless you might even be able to pay for it with your social security funds."
"That’s great sir," I said. "And I’m real happy about that. But with all due respect, I’m drowning now. And I never really figured out derivatives. I know a couple of 'Quant's' from Wall Street - with PhD's in math and physics - but they lost their jobs on Wall Street. One's driving a taxi, another is selling real estate."
"How ‘bout a tax cut?" he answered. "We’re gonna eliminate the tax on capital gains and death. How’s do ya’ like that?"
"I’m a compassionate conservative," Bush added. "I’ll call yer wife, collect, from the White House, and she can come down and meet Laura and talk about education, or baking, or whatever it is women talk about. I wish you well, tho, good luck and all. Just keep swimmin.’ I’m sure ya-all gonna git to wherever it is yer goin.’"
They vanished out of sight. I just kept treadin' water.
Then, along came this Vermont Yankee in a rowboat, bouncing around in the swell, who said “Hang on, I’m Howard Dean. I can help you. I can throw you a life preserver, but you have to catch it and hang on.”
Copyright ©, 2003, L. J. Furman.
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