Press Release: Martyrs Insurance Expanded With Due Process Insurance Unit

Press Release: Martyrs Insurance Expanded with Due Process Insurance Unit Formed.

For Immediate Release. July 4, 2006.

Jersey City, NJ. The Al Aksa Al Queda Martyrs Insurance, Inc., AAAQMI, with its headquarters in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, and with offices in Gaza City, Gaza, Ramallah, West Bank, Jersey City, New Jersey, and Detroit, Michigan, today announced a new business unit to sell a new product line to its North America based customers. Modeled after the popular “martyrs life” insurance paid to the families of martyrs who die blowing themselves up to kill infidels, “Due Process Insurance,” also known by it’s legalese name as “Habeus Corpus Insurance” provides payments to the families of living martyrs of Jihad who are imprisoned at Quantanamo Bay or elsewhere. All that is required to collect on the policy is for a Moslem to be imprisoned without bail, without access to an attorney, without knowledge of the specific charges against which he or she is being held. As with the Martyrs Death Products, American citizens are eligible for the payments, however, only Moslems are eligible. Parents or siblings of people who embrace the peaceful ways of Allah as revealed by the Prophet Mohammed are eligible after they convert.

So parents, siblings, dependents and spouses of Americans killed or imprisioned while defending the freedom of Palestinians, or their weapons caches are also eligible for compensation, once they embrace the peaceful ways of Allah, after they convert.

Additional riders for additional benefits in the event of extended periods of solitary confinement or torture will only allow payment after the victim is released from prison. After all, the purpose is to help families recover from the tragedy, not make them wealthy. However, if the torture is believed to involve humiliation or nudity in the presence of female infidels, additional payments are permitted after one of the wives or daughters of the martyr is ritually killed by her father, a brother, or an Imam to avenge the honor of the family.

According to AAAQMI, payments will not be made to those “Foolish Incompetents” who are actually convicted of planning terrorist activities. According to Ali Allah Akbar Mohhamed, spokesman for AAQMI, “First of all, praise be Allah, when they are caught it means they can no longer fight for jihad. It means their martyrdom must wait until they are released from prison. Even if, Praise Allah, the event they were planning does occur, it occurs without the continued efforts and participation of the wanna-be. When he dies he will not get his virgins. This insurance benefit is for martyrs and Wahabis, not wannabis. Second, getting caught and getting convicted is very bad for Jihad. It gives us a bad name. Think about it. It makes us look stupid. After Sept. 11 America was united but people were afraid. After Moussauwi and that idiot with explosives on his shoes, Richard Reed, people laughed at us. Those infidels at Saturday Night Live, that Robin Williams – a Fatwah on all their heads. And what kind of name is “Richard Reed” for a Moslem anyway?

Initially believed to be a moneymaker, “Bean Counters” at AAQMI, or as they are known “Counters of the Grains of Sand and the Stars in the Sky” are concerned that the NSA, the CIA, the FBI and the British MI 5 will mine their customer database for likely candidates for imprisonment. According to Yoo and Addington, who do not work for the NSA, the CIA, the FBI, or MI 5 “This is great. It makes our work so much easier. Well not our work,” they qualified. “After all, 100% of the people who buy life insurance die at some point in their life, usually at the end. Unless of course they choose to live in Omeha. These people wouldn’t buy this insurance if they weren’t guilty of something.”

For information contact Ali Allah Akhbar Mohammed, at AAAQMI.

* This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual events that may or may not be reported in the news is purely tragic.