Coulter, Limbaugh, Rumsfeld and Bush: The Real Winners of Election 2006

Washington, DC, Dec. 4. Objective Oriented Press Service, OOPS. The conventional wisdom inside the Beltway, throughout America, and all over the world is that the Democrats won the election. And while it’s technically true that candidates from the Democratic Party won election after election across the country, and Democrats won a majority in the House and the Senate, did they really win the election? I spoke to Silas W Coddington, noted “pundit.” He says “No, the Democrats didn’t win; they lost.”

"The real winners." according to Coddington, "were Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Don Rumsfeld, and George W. Bush. Coulter, Limbaugh and all the other right wing pundits, commentators, writers, hacks, sycophants, and hangers on have made their living – and some have made a very good living – complaining that the Democrats were in control. This was really hard to do with a Republican President, Republican majority in both the House and the Senate, and Republicans in control of the Judiciary. Now that the Democrats control the House and the Senate, the job of these pundits will be so much easier. They won’t have to stretch the truth so far it breaks. Limbaugh will be able to stop “doing” drugs. Or he’ll be able to “do” better ones. And if a Democrat wins the Presidency in 2008? Coulter, Limbaugh and company will be in Heaven.”

“But wait,” I said. “Rumsfeld resigned on Nov. 8, day after the elections. How can you say he won?”

“It’s true that Rumsfeld resigned but look at it this way: he’s free. He may not have liberated Iraq, but he himself is now liberated. And with his skills and experience – advisor to Presidents, Secretary of Defense – he should run for President. His slogan: ‘Rumsfeld in ’08: Because there’s no success like failure.’ I think lots of people would love to see Rumsfeld as the Republican candidate for President in 2008. Especially Democrats.”

“The same holds for President Bush,” Coddington explained. “He’s got a little over two years left to his Presidency. People are starting to call him a ‘Lame Duck.’ The Disloyal Opposition, which is just about everybody, can’t wait. They have ‘Countdown’ clocks that count the days between now and Jan. 20, 2008. Unreasonable people are even calling for him to accept responsibility for the response to Hurricane Katrina, the felony of identifying a covert CIA agent, and misrepresenting the facts and “making up” the justifications of the Iraq war, as if the Commander-in-Chief really needs ‘Justifications’ to go to war … why incredible as it may sound, some even want him impeached for ‘Violating the Law’ over the NSA wiretaps. It could even happen.”

“But that sounds really bad,” I said, “How can he be considered to have won the election?”

“Simple. ” Coddington explained. “He just blames someone else for the failure in Iraq. He says ‘I’m the ‘Decider,’ not the ‘Fall Guy.’ I declared ‘Mission Accomplished’ way back, May 1, 2003. It’s not my fault the Iraqis didn’t listen. Ask the Democrats – they’re in control now, have been since January, 2007. We Republicanistas have been too busy working with lobbiests and decidering decisions about who gets what. Cheney spent a lot of time with Ken Lay’s people talking about energy policy before they went bankrupt. Cunningham, DeLay, Foley, we've been working hard. And now they’re all gone. Some went to jail. How can we accomplish anything?’”

“Well,” I asked, “what should he do?”

“If you ask me,” Coddington replied, “He should just go back to his ranch for a few days, or the next two years. chop some wood and hand over the keys to Jeb, or Cheney, or Rumsfeld. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”