Outsourcing the Mob

Organized Crime Announces "Lots of Cuts"
Another Industry Hit By Outsourcing

Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. In yet another setback to the economy, the Galino Organized Crime Family announced today that they were joining the ranks of business outsourcing jobs to India. They declined to give an exact count, but they did say that they were moving “lots” of positions from Brooklyn, Staten Island, and New Jersey to India. “I can’t tell you how many, or else I’d have to kill you.” Mr. Anthony “MBA-Boy Tony” Libretto, a capo in the Organization said. “But we are moving non-essential support services, our help desk, customer support, that sort of thing, as well as several of our executive positions to India, including our accounting and finance groups.”

“Can you tell me why you are doing this?” I asked.

“Sure I can,” he replied. “I was sitting in class, going after my MBA, and thinking about how to apply what I was learning. Thinking about whether it made sense – or how to make it make sense – for our business model. And it gives us the opportunity to expand. First of all, it will make it easier to avoid taxes. The money will be overseas. Remember what got Al Capone – Tax evasion. How they gonna find the money when it’s not here? You tell me.

And there are the opportunities for expansion. We will be opening up India to the sex and drug businesses, altho I must say, it is hard to get a good steak over there.” Libretto said. “But think about it – they wrap up those women in dresses the size of tents they got some hangups. We’ll make a bundle.”

“While I still use local talent for small jobs, like when I need to lean on someone; I use Indian talent for big jobs. American Contractors are good, but why pay $100,000 to whack somebody? With an Indian, I can get the job done for $10,000, including travel.” I was going to try Arabs. They blow themselves up, so we wouldn’t have to pay them nothin’ but they only want to kill Jews, and mostly go after women and children, which is not our target demographic,” Libretto continued.

“And what non-essential services will you be moving to India?” I asked.

“We have a service called ‘How’d You Get Lost You Dumb Asshole?’ If a guy is trying to hit another guy, and he gets lost, as some of these stupid gumbas do, then he can call a 900 number – he should know where he’s goin’ if he gets lost – he should pay to ask for directions – and anyways, he calls this 900 number and someone gives him directions. That can be done from India as well as from Brooklyn. They got maps and that Internet thing.”

“I see,” I replied.

“And we’re also moving our accounting,” he went on. “By doing our accounting in India we save big bucks. The accountants are cheaper over there, and we need 2 or sometimes 3 sets of books, so the savings really add up. Like for example – that Pizzaria – great pizza, right. You better believe it. Do you know how many sets of books we need for that one joint? We need three. Three! Can you believe it? One for the government, one for the dumb bastard who’s name is on the books, and one for me. That’s a lot of books, and each book costs money.”

“And like I said, it’s easier to prevent the government from knowing about things when the accounting is overseas. And it ties in with our banking and money laundering operations.”

I shouldn’t tell you this, but we are inking a deal with one of the companies that does customer service for several American banks. I can’t go into the specifics, but let’s just say we are coming in as advisors, partners, managers and we’ll take care of their garbage. When their people are talking to people about bank accounts – we are on the line. We want to know those account numbers, mothers maiden names, and balances. You can’t imagine how difficult it is over here, and how easy that is over there. Yep, this outsourcing thing is great.”

“Now shut-up and get in the car, you and me are taking a little ride.”