The October Surprise Awards - Academy Awards for Political Theatrics

Welcome to the Academy for Political Theatrics and welcome to the October Surprise Awards. The nominees are: Ashley Todd, Schlesselman and Cowart, General Colin Powell, and Senator Ted Stevens.

Our first nominee is Ashley Todd, a young McCain staffer from Texas. Ms. Todd, a paid Organizer for the College Republicans, was on the ground in Pittsburgh, PA. Pittsburgh is not known for the racial tensions McCain and Palin so desperately want to exploit. So what did Ashley do? She faked a racial incident. Ashley drew a letter "B" on her cheek, then claimed to have been assaulted by "a large angry man." The police suspected a hoax because the "B" was drawn backwards, as if in a mirror, and the scratches were very light; not likely the work of a "large angry man." Ms. Todd, also known as the Texas Tawana, in honor of her role model, Tawana Brawley, admitted that the attack was a hoax. While the desperation in the McCain Campaign is surprising, while their win at all costs mindset bodes ill for efforts to end the war in Iraq, the utter disdain with which the public, the mainstream media, and even Fox News has treated Ms Todd restores our faith in society. Ms. Todd could not be reached for comment. However we are confident that a member of our team, a 6 foot 3 inch former basketball player will be able to pin her down.

The second nominees are Paul Schlesselman and Daniel Cowart, the neo-Nazis who allegedly planned to kill Senator Obama and 88 African Americans. Fortunately, they were arrested before they could kill anyone. An affidavit from a federal agent says they devised a plot to kill 88 people — shooting 74 and beheading 14. As far as we know, the McCain campaign is not connected to these two alleged psychopaths. However, the rhetoric emanating from the McCain campaign, beginning with the Republican Convention in August, can only be described as disrespectful and incendiary. Congressman Lewis was right. The genie is out of the bottle.

The next nominee is Colin Powell, the retired General and former Secretary of State who joined 50 or 60 prominent conservative Republicans in endorsing Senator Obama for President. However, it must be noted that for a Conservative to act in a conservative manner and exercise good judgment is not a surprise. It's not common these days, but it's not a surprise.

The final nominee in the "October Surprise" competition is Alaska Senator Ted Stevens. Stevens, a convicted felon, has refused calls from Senator McCain to quit his campaign "for the good of the G.O.P."

And the Winner is: "Uncle Ted" Stevens of Alaska. Convicted for corruption, Stevens is awaiting sentencing and continuing his campaign. McCain has urged him to drop out of the race, and Palin - herself found guilty of abuse of power - has also urged him to drop out of the race. But Stevens soldiers on. Will the President issue a pardon? Will Alaskans send him back to Congress? Will his conviction give Democrat Mark Begich a seat in the United States Senate? Will it help Obama become President? We don't know - that's why it's "The October Surprise." We will know soon. But we know this today: when Republicans say "My friends, I stand on my convictions." we don't know whether they are referring to their principles, or to their convictions for high crimes and misdemeanors.

* This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to the facts is tragic.

Palin and McCain Argue Over Her Wardrobe

RNC HQ, the Campaign Trail. Oct. 24, 2008. An angry John McCain lit into Sarah Palin about her wardrobe.

Our sources have provided a transcript of their conversation.

"How could you possibly spend $150,000 on clothes in two months?" McCain asked Palin. "What did you buy? $150,000 in two months? That's more than I've spent clothes in my entire life, and I'm 72 years old. It's almost as much as my wife makes in a week, or a month, or something like that. It's what Joe the plumber will make in two, maybe three years. What were you thinking?"

"C'mon McCain," Palin said, "I'm helping the economy. And it's not your money. And besides, you don't let me talk to the press. What else am I supposed to do?"

"Well you could read the Constitution, for Chris-sakes. And Jeez Palin, $150,000 on clothes? It's more than Paris Hilton spends. It's even more than Imelda Marcos spent on shoes!"

"I know Paris. She's sweet. She looked real good in that bathing suit in the campaign ad she did. I should take her wolf hunting from my helicopter. Who is Imelda Marcos? Is she a Cuban? Did I meet her in Miami?"

"How can you not know Imelda Marcos?" McCain yelled. "I made you the Vice President candidate. I can break you. You're fired."

Palin was as cool as Obama: "The election is 11 days from today. You're gonna lose without my church ladies, my hockey moms and all those Joe Sixpacks who love me. Larry Flynt, the magazine publisher, is making a movie about me, "Nailin' Pailin' or somethin'. Tina-Fay Somebody, that girl from "Saturday Night Live" and "30 Rocks" loves to play me - I'm the best thing that happened to her in her whole career. And you can't say 'You're fired.' You're not Donald Trump."