Truth To The Rumors (joke)

Moonbase Alpha, Luna City, Sea of Tranquility, the Moon, Nov. 44, 2033. It turns out there's some truth to the rumors that President-for-Life Obama is setting up "death panels." A task force headed by Abbie Hoffman, Anita Hoffman, Jerry Rubin and Michael Jackson has set up "death lists."

The Hoffmans, Mr. Rubin and Mr. Jackson are no longer deceased. They were cloned in a secret lab on the moon. The process was started early in 2009, by Executive Order. They are now operating an underground base on the moon. In fairness it must be pointed out that because the moon is an asteroid with no atmosphere, all moon bases are undergound.

The Hoffmans and Rubin were picked because of their well-known radical politics. Jackson was picked because of his expertise in "moon-walking." The clones of Jackson, Rubin, and both Hoffmans grew up in undisclosed locations and traveled back in time to work on the lists.

This reporter traveled forward in time to meet with them, hence the dateline on this filing is 24 years in the future. This story is dated November 44 because in the future there will be only four months. The first month is February, which is Black History Month. (white history is "White people brought slaves to America. Most of the Declaration of Independence was actually written by Sally Hemmings, Jefferson's common-law wife. Abe Lincoln, who was 1/4 Black - that's why he was so tall - freed the slaves. As his cousin Abe Lincoln Jefferson noted, "White people causes all the trouble, black folks cleans up all the mess.") The other months include August, Obama's birthday month, November, Michelle Obama's birthday month, and the new month of Obama, which has both Christmas, New Years, and sometimes, to demonstrate his love for the Jewish People, Obama, who also calls himself "King of the Jews," the Jewish New Year. All months have 61 days, except for the Month of Obama, which has 182 days, 183 on leap years.)

A dispute broke out over Sarah Palin. All four wanted her husband, Todd, and at least four (4) of her children euthanized. Jackson wanted her euthanized as well. Anita Hoffman wanted to keep her around because of her value "Yes she mobilizes the wacko far right," Anita said, "But she motivates the left, and the women and just antagonizes the moderates - every time she opens her mouth." Rubin and Abbie Hoffman wanted her alive because of her "entertainment" value. It turns out that they really dig chicks with guns, and don't really care about whales, wolves, nature, or humanity.

"Having been dead," Rubin said, "we don't really care about life." We just want, you know, some action."

"And why should we care about the county that let us die?" Hoffman added.

The lists include Robert Novak, who cheated by dieing Aug. 19, 2009, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Lou Dobbs, Pat Buchanan, Bill O'Reilly, other right wing commentators, members of their audience and "base." Anyone who watches Fox News, Lou Dobbs, or listens to Rush Limbaugh is on the list to be "euthanized."

"America," Mr. Hoffman explained, "is a "youth-oriented" culture. And it is increasingly dominated by Asians. What we are doing is combining these aspects of life in Amerika, linking them, into a "Youth-n-Asia" program.

Here's how the program will work. People will lose their health insurance benefits when they change jobs or get sick. Eventually. 47 million Americans will not have Health Insurance. When they get really sick they will face bankruptcy. And 16,000 will die each year, one person every 30 minutes, every half-hour of every day. Wait - that's what we have today.*

Ken Starr, a spokesman for the Cato Institute and the Heritage Foundation said "This is intolerable. We can't have one person dieing every 30 minuutse. While most of these deaths are poor people, we have no way of restricting this to liberals. And then, even it it was one every 30 seconds, it would only amount to One Million per year. We need to kill more people faster, we need to kill 10 or 15 million a year to rid this nation of the scourge of Liberalism. That's why we need more coal, oil, nuclear power, and resultant mercury and radioactive wastes. That's why we need to bring back DDT. That's why we need to support the drug war on poor shiftless Americans who live in inner cities."

* This is a work of satire. However, there's a grain of truth in it. It's not that we have a base on the moon, or have cloned Jerry Rubin, Abbie Hoffman, Anita Hoffman, or Michael Jackson. And it's not that we are capable of time travel. We don't, we haven't, and we're not. It's that 47 million people have no health insurance and one person dies every 30 minutes because he or she has no health insurance.