From The Mind Of Hillary Clinton

Comedy Central is proud bring you the Mind of Mencia, and the Furman Files is proud to bring you the Mind of Hillary Clinton. Just like Senator Bill Frist, who can diagnose comatose patients just by looking at them on TV for a few seconds, I am proud to say that I am able to read the mind of candidates with comatose campaigns, just by listening to them talk on TV or radio – or even by reading what they say. 'Amazing!' you're thinking. See, I knew that. And here's what Hillary really was thinking.

"Bill once said 'It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.' I wouldn't say that, altho as a lawyer, I know what it means. Now we Democrats, even conservative Democrats like me, know the value of historic facts, of the reality based facts. We also know that you also have to consider the context of any 'fact' and how to frame it in a campaign. You might call them the campaign centric facts. And this is where the Democrats differ from the Republicans. We, Democrats, believe in historic facts AND campaign facts. Republicans only believe in campaign facts. Campaign Facts.

"So this is what happened back in the mid-1990's in Bosnia. There were children on the tarmac in Bosnia, and they could have been providing cover for snipers, snipers who were children once, and those children on the tarmac could have been planning on growing up to be snipers. And for me, it was an exercise in preparation for this run for the White House, so while I was standing there, I was also running, I was, in one sense, sprinting. Yeah, that's the ticket. I was sprinting for the White House.

"So while you could say I mis-spoke, you must remember I’m running a cynical campaign based on fear and pessimism not silly dreams like hope and optimism. Fear and pessimism are the hopes of the future. Our only hope lies in fear. I think Dick Cheney said that. And it worked against John Kerry.

"Our only hope lies in fear. And in me. Our only hope lies in me. I am entitled to this job, and damn-it, I deserve it. Look at that brainless idiot in the White House. And the old man on the other side, my 'good friend' John McCain. He's still fighting the Viet Nam War. And Obama - what does he know? He speaks well, he writes well, he's bright, people trust him. Well there's more to leadership than that. There's more to leadership than being a bright, tough, honest, decisive and articulate visionary. There's being tough when you want to cry. And crying when you want to be tough. I can't see Obama crying. There's forcing people to do your will when they think you're wrong and you yourself have doubts. So vote for me. You may regret it, but you'll regret it less with me than with McCain or Obama.

"McCain is still fighting the Viet Nam war. It was a dumb idea in the 1960s, and it's a dumb idea today. And they make good sneakers in Viet Nam. And Obama ... Barack means 'lightning' in Hebrew, and he sure does throw lightning bolts when he speaks. Still, every time I look at his supporters I want to cry. They have such high expectations for him, they will be very disappointed in anything that goes wrong. And the Republicans in Washington, they will do everything they can to make him fail. They'll criticize his wife, his pastor. They'll make fun of his name. They'll send in silly little girls willing to do anything, and I mean anything, to make him happy. Men. They're so dumb. But they can be useful ... even fun to have around ... when they do what I want them to do, not when they get in my way."